Just a brief update

Sorry to those who read or follow this little blog here as I have been slacking on posting. Fret not friends I will be posting a new set of tales from the past week within the next day or so. I have plenty too share. I have been a bit busy with personal issues and not too mention I have been playing catch up on my other blog centered on Horror/Cult movie reviews. I promise folks to give you something to laugh and maybe throw up a little in your mouth very,very soon.

                                                                                                                              Sincerely,

                                                                                                                                              Dick Swift (Smut Peddler/Author)

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A laborious weekend: Porn,Nudists and Assorted Pervs

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It’ll be over soon,But not soon enough. Those were my sentiments heading into this weekend as soon as it began. As usual there were a small group of guys awaiting my arrival in order to open the shop, and immediately as I unlocked the doors after counting out my cash drawers the weekend was off to a roaring start. Saturday proved to be a busy day both in sales and for the booths as men came packs of eager, bright eyed optimistic pervs swarmed the stuffy halls looking for “Mr.Right Now”, and to no surprise several of them found what they were looking for. The sales portion of my day was pretty uneventful as nothing out of the ordinary aside for  group of Sh.I.T.’s (Shanequa’s.In.Training) asking questions about specific vibrators in between spurts of laughter as if this was their first time being in a place aimed at adults. Saying things like “Eeew that N#%!a hella creepy tho'” and “He probably hella pervert.” referring to me under their breath as if I could not hear them while standing a foot away after asking me a question. Also the small gangs of under-aged teens attempting to sneak by unseen in order to look at all the “weird” and “gross” things hanging off the walls and taking up shelf space. One word of advice,if you are sneaking into a place , no matter what the place may be and do not want to draw attention to yourself a good way to do it is too not yell, laugh and cause a tremendous scene upon entry . Anyway, I spent most of the day in between customers with my nose buried in a book, Today it was “On the road” by Jack Kerouac. Sadly though I was not able to escape what was going on in the cameras sight for long as I noticed a lot of movement from the dreaded screen in the lower left half of the surveillance window. I briefly take my eyes away from my reading to see three guys reenacting a scene from “The Human Centipede” only being connected to each others hind quarters by a different part of their anatomy other than their mouths. What a lovely trio they were as well, One a tall young Latin male probably in his late 20’s, A Elderly white guy who had to be nearing his late 60’s and a rather heavyset Mexican man in his late 40’s who looked as if he had not bathed in awhile. Sparring further details , let’s just say they were really getting into their activities. Only for a brief moment though as around the corner came “Sloth” with his basketball shorts down around his ankles and one hand in his nipple lifting his shirt and the other firmly tugging away at his lower extremity.This quickly put a stop to further shenanigans.The rest of my Saturday went on without much excitement, other than the occasional weird stand off in the booths with men jousting at each other with their “you-know-whats”.

At least tha is what I thought, until about 10 mins before my shift ended and I handed the reigns over to my co-worker for the late night shift. Again, I noticed allot of activity going on in that same lower left corner of the screen. This time I could not make out what was going on as all I could see was a pretty large group of men all cluttered around in a pack. It appeared they were all looking at something but whatever it was , It was far enough out of camera range that I could not see it. Shortly after that I see what appeared to be a man running around completely nude, As I did a double take I see that it is indeed a nude man carrying his clothes as if he were heading out of a shower in a locker room. The man paced back and forth to and from the group a few times and I realize he was grabbing clothing articles he had left behind before heading into a booth to get dressed. Ironic how he has the nerve and lack of inhibition to run around the booths willy-nilly naked as a jay bird but then heads into the privacy of a booth to get dressed. Right before my relief arrives at the shop I see the little nudist, A white guy , balding,polo shirt tucked in as if headed to a weekend golf game as he is leaving the shop. “Have a good weekend Jay bird” I say as he heads for the exit. That was my Saturday, Not much different than any other.

 

As for Sunday….. The doughnut shop was closed for the holiday which bummed me out, So I had to make for 7-11 before the opening the shop. Upon returning to the shop I see about 3 guys circling around the doorway of the shop and preparing to head back to their respective vehicles as they see me walking up. Being that I was still about 15 minutes early I had to let them know that it was not quite time to open and 2 of them got upset and left in a huff. As I opened the shop a old Middle eastern man who is a regular in the booths walks in. I know he wants to go in the booths but he hesitates to ask for tokens,Perhaps because he knows there is no one else there yet? He roams around the store floor aimlessly and I almost wanna tell him that I know he is just here for the booths and he may as well get his tokens and wait in the back, Just as I think this a few more early morning booth patrons arrive and as suspected the middle eastern guy then gets his tokens in hopes of a Sunday funday. A few minutes pass and a man that appears to be a crackhead enters the shop, He heads to the dvd’s and I decide he does not yield me watching him close as there is nothing to steal in that section, Turns out I should have kept my eye on him as I helped a few paying customers he managed to disappear and I just knew he snuck off into the booths. Low and behold a few moments later , I spot him in the back joining a few other fellows in what appears to be a race to see who can finish themselves off fastest, As a line up of about 4-5 guys stood backs against the wall jacking off. Deciding it is not worth a scene to kick him out I let it ride. Then a hour later a young guy probably 25 or so enters and heads straight for the back “You have to pay to go back there” I shout at him and she gives me attitude and five bucks. Shortly afterward he leaves for whatever reason,Only to return several hours later requesting I let him go in the back to use his tokens. Anyway The crackhead finally leaves about 4-5 hours later and I tell him that he is to pay to go back in the booths and he returns this news with a screaming fit about how I only told him that because he was “Black” , Um….No I am telling you that because you snuck in and also you are a obvious crackhead.The shop was slow for about 2-3 hours in a row and I buried my nose into another book, This time “Ham on Rye” by Bukowski, A great read. At this point I notice something that kind of ruined my day, As I am sitting on my stool I go to scratch my nether region and realize I have a giant hole in the crotch of my pants and due to the fact I was not wearing any underwear today my balls were right out in the open. Now in a hurry to get home and fix this situation I go  start my closing procedures ,And  as if clockwork the store gets crowded, Flooded with couples and customers looking to make some big purchases. Normally I would not mind this and honestly welcome it, But due to the fact it is a holiday weekend and my bus is running hourly,Not too mention my pants issue I wanted to get out of there as quick as possible. Around 6:45 a guy comes in wanting booth tickets and I warn him that he only has 30 minutes , he wants them anyway. “I don’t wanna have to chase you out of here” I tell him and he nods. As I wrap up with the remaining few customers and deal with some that are problematic causing me to screw up my til because he bought a dildo his wife waiting in the car outside decided was too big and he wanted to switch it out for a smaller one. Usually we do not do any sort of exchange or return due to the sensitive nature of the products we sell, I decided to allow it since he had just left the shop. He switches it out and then returns yet again with the same issue, I said “Why do you not have your wife come in and pick something out?” to which he replied she was too embarrassed to do so. After trying to solve the guys problem by showcasing some smaller vibes and what not he opts to keep the previous one, making the entire transaction pointless and screwing up my til in the process. Now completely done with the day I head into the arcade for my dreaded sweep and low and behold a guy is still in the booths, “Time to wrap it up” I say, “Booths have been closed for 15 minutes now” I state, and Who would have guessed it was the guy I warned about time earlier. He stayed in the back for another 10 mins as I struggled to close shop but now all of the sudden customers continue to wander in. After a few more, A woman looking for Ben-Wa balls, A guy looking for a vibe and some male enhancement pills and very strange woman looking for “Poppers” (A all purpose strong cleaner that people use to sniff and get high, Posed as anything from Video Head cleaner to nail polish remover) . I finally lock the door and shout back at the guy “It’s fucking 8 o’clock! Time to get the fuck out!” to which he slowly complies and heads to the door giving me an attitude the entire way saying that I “Robbed” him by not letting him use all of his $5 worth of tickets. I told him “You have been here for more than a hour and a half, 5 bucks only gets you about 30 mins,you do the math.”, “Now have a good night.” I rush through my closing procedures and jet out to catch my bus making it only by one minute but then noticing I had left my phone charger at work and my phone was readying to die…. Happy labor day folks!

Playing a little catch up

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Well it’s been a week since my last post and between a few days off and a couple truly uneventful shifts, I figure I would throw together a few of the “highlights” or “lowlights” depending on how you look at it with you guys. Let’s break it down day by day over the past few evenings.

Saturday was a pretty busy morning shift and as usual I was rushed by the morning perv’s pounding and pulling at the door from the moment I was spotted arriving at the shop. After finishing a cigarette while being watched over with baited breath by a anxious booth patron. I decided to open up ten minutes early in annoyance of people storming the fronts. Within the first 30 minutes I traded cash for tickets to over 25 guys back to back. Expecting to witness some grotesque displays , I was surprised to see that for the most part the booth goer’s just stood in the halls waiting for something, what? I am not sure. Well this all changed as soon as “Sloth” returned and stepped in the scene. Immediately aggressively attacking men with his dick trying to get a nut. This approach actually paid off this time as he did in fact end up getting one of the most disgusting blow job’s ever, as a elderly middle eastern man decided to do him that solid.I tried my hardest to ignore any and all activities that were going on in the booths from that moment. Shortly after that the stores sales picked up and I was flooded with customers buying things for bachlorette parties and the occasional vibrator or dvd. Then a German gentleman emerges from the booths asking about cockrings and for some reason he felt the need to get very close while talking and his breath literally smelled as if he had been eating dirty ass all day, I mean I have smelled some bad breath in my day but this guy’s truly did smell like honest to goodness shit. The thought that someone in the back honestly went as far as to do anything with this guy made me ill. As the shift came to a close nothing of too much significance occured other than dealing with a parade of man-hating lesbians searching for the perfect dick when something dawned on me. If these “Stud’s” get so much action and are so smart when it comes to the ways of pleasing a vagina , why do they not already have all the tricks and toys in their arsenal on top of the fact they normally really seem novice about it. I guess it’s true that if you talk a good game you will find someone stupid enough to believe your pitch and buy what you’re selling.

 

Sunday was a unusually boring morning as the booths were busy and the standard B.J. line was in order but sales were slow and for the first time since I have worked here “Comic Book guy” did not come in. I gotta say I was kinda disappointed, as In the past few weeks I have come to enjoy his visits as he at least likes to chat and it keeps me occupied on the slow Sunday mornings between exchanging cash for tickets. I sat bored and read a old copy of “The Crow” but finished it within an hour and then was left with nothing to do while waiting for someone to come and buy something or need assistance in doing so.  Then this tweaker came in looking like the walking dead, Appearing as if he had just finished picking at his face since there was a big streak of blood flowing down one of his cheeks. I watched the guy carefully while helping another customer, As I felt him suspicious. It turns out my assumptions were correct as I was forced to stop him from trying to enter the arcade without paying the fee. “Excuse me sir, You have to pay to go in there.” , “Also you cannot bring merchandise back there with you, especially if you have not paid for it.” I said as he attempted to sneak in a pack of small magazines. He looked at me as if this was a odd request, Then said ok and went about looking at dvd’s. I knew the guy was going to try to steal the mags and I walked to the dvd section stood near him and straightened out the movies, When I noticed that the pack of mag’s had disappeared. “You gonna pay for those magazines?”  , To which he replied “What magazines? I put those back.” I knew he had not because I was near him since he tried to enter the arcade , He had slipped them underneath his shirt while I was making my way over to him and I knew it. After I made the accusation, the guy got pissed off and headed for the door. I told him that he could pay for the mags , which at this point I could see sticking up underneath his shirt and silly looking Nascar jacket, or that he would not be welcome in the shop again. He denied such accusations and went about his way.

 

Monday, Was a interesting day as the booths were surprisingly slow but very active and once again I was “Lucky” enough to have witnessed the mating habits of the undercover gay sex fiend, As on two occasions I saw 3-way’s going on and one that resembled a human centipede. Both times the participants looked like illegal immigrants and only one of each group would likely admit to being homosexual as they were very feminine. Then for the first time a woman actually came in to the shop with the sole purpose of going to the booths. She was a burly looking lady and honestly I still am not sure if it was a man or just unfortunate looking woman in fact, but she paid and went to the back. To no bit of surprise not one guy approached her as perhaps she lacked the equipment the guys were looking for so perhaps she was in fact just a brawny lass.  Throughout the remainder of the evening I was treated to having to deal with a plethora of the most annoying customers you could imagine. From folks asking advice only to shoot down anything I said in order to alert me that they know far more than me on the subject and that I did not know what I was speaking about, If that was the case then 1 why ask me if you know everything? and 2 why go with my suggestions at the end of the day? Then the most convenient last minute consumers who wait until 2 mins before I am closing up shop to arrive and pound on the door, demanding entry only to come in and not buy anything after several minutes of surveying the shop. One of these last minute customers looked awful familiar as I spot a Yellow jacket with blue sleeves and a giant M&M logo on the back. It was the mag thief from the night prior , though he had shaved his head. I tell him he must leave since he stole the mag’s . He denies this and as I am helping another customer I spot him walking off with yet another stack of small mags. Dammit! The sticky fingered perv strikes again! I am going to print his picture up and post it so he will forever go down in history as a lowly member of the coveted “Wall of Shame”.

 

As for Tuesday , nothing of real note took place as the shop was he slowest I have seen yet. Though I received two complaints about the booths, as men went on about how many of the folks in the booths were just hanging around and talking and fighting over who gets what booth and so on, I told he gents that they would need to tell me this while they were in the shop and not over the phone after the fact but that there was not much I could do unless they were physically fighting or trying to enter a locked booth. Though I had no problem enforcing the law on these regulars if it was brought to my attention while it happened. Then right as I was about to close, once again the store floods with last minute shoppers who want to rent videos and in 3 transactions in succession I had issues with these renters. First a guy who wanted to set up a accounts card declined causing a over ring, then a guy who was expired and fought about paying the membership fee, then a guy came in and bought a giant dildo (It’s for my girl, which no doubt means it is not) a pocket pussy , some lube and dvd’s . No doubt planning for an exciting evening at home. All seemed fine until I ring him up and he is short a dollar, “I can run out to get it…” I wait and he stares at me saying “Oh,you really want me to go get the dollar?” . I guess he expected me to pay i for him and after a discussion where he tried to convince me to let him take the items and he would “Come back” , I said screw it , wanting to go home and paid his remainder for him.

So the last few nights have been pretty bland for a job like mine and much of this is nitpicking . Here’s hoping something weird happens tonight as it is my last night before a day off , then I am working 7 days in a row. I just didn’t wanna keep the readers waiting as I will always try and come up with something to keep you all entertained and reading.

By the way, here is a tip for guys wanting to buy a dildo, for whatever reason. No one working at a sex shop is going to bat an eye for doing so but when you go out of your way to mention that it is not for you, especially when buying a rather large one. It makes it more than obvious that it is in fact for you. Newsflash! No one cares! just buy it and have fun, as long as you ain’t hurting anyone else, all is fine.

Curious thieves,Bosnian Booties and The mystery of the Strap on Vagina

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As I arrived at work today I was pleased to see that there was actually some work to be done other than waiting on customers to come in, As I was delegated to place an order to fill the shop.  I sat scrolling through pages of vibrators,Hand cuffs, and flavored lubes until a couple of middle aged women came into the shop. I, as always greeted the ladies and shortly thereafter asked if they would like some assistance since they seemed they had a legit shopping agenda in mind. They brushed me off rather rudely and I figured they had just chalked me up as some pervert who worked in a porn shop just for kicks and perhaps I got off on hearing women talk about vibrators among  one another. Then I realized they both had been speaking in a foreign tongue which sounded to me like it was potentially Russian. As I continued scrolling down the catalog and marking off each item I was to order to ensure that future “freaks” would get their double fisted dildo’s and Porn star cock molds. One of the women approached and asked in a thick accent “I would like some help honestly.” It turns out the women were  from Bosnia and had moved to the states originally together years ago but since had went separate ways and one was visiting California from Boston , Mass. The California transplant was by far the better looking and more out going of the duo as she stood about six foot , with long dark reddish hair , very large natural (Judging by the way they sat in her blouse) breasts and a pretty yet aged face framed her piercing blue eyes. She was buying a vibrator for her visiting friend who was far too shy to frequent a place like this alone and had never thought of purchasing such a thing without the influence of her wild old friend. The Bostonian Bosnian was rather odd looking , very dykish appearing, Short hair , short stature with broad shoulders , With a very plain nondescript face.  Yet, she was indeed straight although both admitted they had not had sex with a man or anyone for that matter in over 10 years, The taller of the two did however admit to daydreaming of her neighbor while using her toy, To which I couldn’t help but reply “Lucky Neighbor” as she really was stunning for a woman of her age. Though the lesser of the two beauts had something that certainly made her stand out, The visiting shy Bosnian had an absolutely amazing backside. So nice in fact I believe I had got caught starring at it while trying to catch glances in between filling the order from behind the monitor of the shops computer. Anyway, The two lovely Bosnian imports turned out to be a pleasant transaction as we three shared a few short stories of porn shop experiences and other sexually fueled yet funny stories , While  I showed them some different items . I wrapped it  up by selling the Bostonian from Bosnia a G-Spot stimulator and a few penis shaped candies for the road. A smile and a goodbye as she assured me she would be heading back to Mass with a smile on her face. Now, Back to that order. About four pages in to the 11 sheets of requests and numerous familiar faces came and went , Only taking brief breaks from my task in order to exchange cash for Booth tickets. When a large Black woman who I know I have seen in the shop before comes in. I remember her, She was the woman that bought a bullet from my co-worker and then demanded she should be able to  return it because the batteries died and she was not willing to buy new ones. Granted they were the small alkaline watch type batteries but she knew that when she purchased the item and she knew the return policy. I have seen her before, she comes in all the time and asks endless questions with no plans to buy anything for the most part. I am in for a rough shift if she is here for the  long haul surely. As one of the booth regulars leaves he sets the tickets he purchased on the counter just out of camera view as he always does. He has said that is his way of giving me a tip. He knows I can re-sell them and keep the extra five, He has told me this many times. He does this because Unbeknownst to me until recently , Employee’s here are not to accept cash from customers as the company see’s it somehow as “Stealing” although it is not even in the slightest. Anyhow, The gentleman leaves my tip on the counter as always , We exchange pleasantries and he is off on his way. Just as he walks off, before I can even see how many he had left behind for me this time, The Black woman of endless inquiries asks ” What are these for?” As she grabs them off of the counter where her hands had no business. I replied what they were and this sparked a half hour conversation of the in’s and out’s of the booths and what exactly is back there. “Can I have these?” As she has already pocketed them, I tried to imply they were left as a tip for me but the woman wanted to see what the booths were about. I tried to talk her out of going into the booths and even mentioned the policy of having to charge her to go back there and this started a drawn out explanation and examination I felt was not worth the five bucks tip. So I bent and just gave up the tickets allowing her to go check it out. Probably did it just to get this annoying woman out of my hair as she was becoming increasingly annoying at this point, as I had already showed off several toys to her that I knew she had no intent of buying. She disappeared for a good 20 mins and returned with even more questions. Luckily by then I had a few other customers in the shop to tend to and managed to dodge her long enough that she finally left, Buying nothing as expected. Around 7 p.m. I had finished placing the order and decided to straighten up the shop a bit so the closing procedure would go smoother, When a very odd looking man arrived. A short Mexican man with a strange Howard Stern style curly hair cut, wearing Tight acid washed jeans, A pink really low cut V-Neck shirt overlapped by a leather biker jacket and a cap similar to the one worn by the lead singer of AC/DC. It was obvious this guy had been around and had a stint or two with binge cocaine use, He was about as close to the definition of washed up Hesher as you could get. The guy was roaming around the shop looking at everything and going back and forth between the “Dong’s” and lingerie sections repeatedly. Then strangely as I was helping a old man figure out the sales on DVD’s the strange washed up rocker disappeared. I thought he managed to sneak into the booths without paying the entry fee and getting tickets but shortly after the store was clear, The man emerged from the employee bathroom. I sternly told him that he was not to go into that room but it was too late as he had done whatever he went to do already, Then he tried to sneak into the booths but I told him the deal and by this time I had already yelled my 30 minute warning in the back anyhow. He continued to shop around as I suddenly got an influx of would be Booth patrons only to get turned down at the door with the exception of some optimistic hopefuls who requested I let them in the back anyhow only to waste their $5 after noticing I was not lying about the arcade being empty. The strange little rocker man approached the counter clutching a large realistic Black dong , About 9″ long and probably 4-5″ in diameter. He purchases his newly found “Boyfriend” , A few small things of lube and worryingly asks “Do you guys have bags for this?” I guess assuming that I would force him to leave the shop and walk into the streets with his “Date” tightly in his grasp out in the open. I laughed and said “Of course we have bags.” , Then he asked me a question as to if we carried a item I honestly never knew existed. “Do you have something I can wear that will give me a pussy?”, “Excuse me?, I don’t think there is such a thing sir.” to which he replied “A strap-on” . Thinking he surely was mistaken and this was just a misfire in communication but no, Apparently he wanted to not only buy a fake vagina for him to wear but some fake breasts as well. As I got home I did some research and low and behold there is in fact such an item and I just have to think, Who in their right mind would not be able to tell that they were sleeping with a man wearing a plastic vagina and tits? I mean did this strange little man plan on tricking someone into having sex with him? Judging by his appearance, someone would have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to spot the issue with this situation but hey….To each their own  guess. I just think the guy is playing with fire, I mean even my Transgender friends who honestly could pass as genetic women come clean before going to that level in order to not trick someone and possibly getting themselves hurt. There is no way this guy would be able to trick someone but if he can find the goods, He is certainly gonna try…..Not wise……. Sex,Drugs,and Rock and Roll?

Weekend Update with Dick Swift

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So this weekend was actually pretty nice with the exception of a few random rude individuals,smart asses ,know it all’s and pervs. Saturday was easily my busiest shifts yet as I made about nearly $1,200 between opening at 10 a.m. and when I went home at 6. I gotta say one thing though, I certainly hope that corporate or whomever is in charge of giving raises and promotions is paying attention because when I came in Sunday morning , I checked out how the final till was looking and my co- worker managed to only sell $200 on top of what I sold and he had the “Peak” hours. I don’t know if my co-workers are just lazy , don’t know what they are selling or how to do so or if they are just not comfortable and clueless as how to approach selling said material, But $200 on a night when morning shift made over a grand seems just really bad to me. So, Beyond that nonsense.. Let’s talk highlights and low lights of Saturday. The day seemed to fly by and although the booths were packed to the gill’s , I really didn’t see too much riff raff going on in the halls with the exception of one guy with a fetish for nipple play getting  blowjob while two other guys watched and jerked off. I am sure I missed allot because as stated the booths were truly crowded but I was far too busy dealing with paying customers to watch over the booth patrons. One gentleman came in explaining that his wife had recently bought a dildo and it gave her a rash due to an allergic reaction,I made suggestions on some items that contained no plastic and he agreed with my suggestions. Although the 8 inch silicone dildo I offered apparently was not enough and I jokingly suggested this 12 inch 5-6 ” wide dildo made of a realistic skin like material and he said “Perfect!”. Whether this was really for use for him or his wife I am not sure, but this item is the size of an adult arm and solid, If he planned on using it on his wife then following up by himself later I doubt she is gonna feel anything he has to present. I mean I am aware that vagina’s have an ability to “Snap back” but it normally closes up with some amount of time passing, therefore he is gonna be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.  I have a feeling he will be back soon to buy some “Shrink Cream” for his wife soon. Honestly one woman came in the next day and bought two different kinds of shrink cream , Perhaps that was her? After a night of “Exploration”…. Aside from the shift flying by gracefully and sales being very good, I would have to say the highlight of the night was sort of a bittersweet one. A woman entered the shop and waited on me to wrap up with another female customer. As I turn around to help her I see one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in person. Wearing a sports bra top, a towel around her neck and some white yoga pants showing off her toned stomach and amazing ass! She looked allot like Vida Guerra in build and face really. She said “Oh, Finally you are here.”  which confused me a bit, although she did look a slight bit familiar. “Do you remember me?” , “You helped me select some items a few nights ago….?” , This kick started the memor and I replied kindly “Oh yeah, How did that work out?”  She then went on to thank me for helping her achieve one of the greatest orgasms she had ever had and also thanked me for making her feel so comfortable in talking about the topic and teaching her some tricks of the trade. I honestly was probably starting to blush at this compliment as it is always a bit odd to hear a woman I really don’t know aside from a short encounter telling me I basically got them off. Then the bittersweet part came, “I really would love to spend another hour picking your brain and checking some other things out, But if I did I wouldn’t need my boyfriend anymore.”  Now don’t get me wrong I never thought for a second that I had a chance with this woman but, She could have kept the Boyfriend talk to herself and at least let me have the fantasy that I had a sliver of a shot thanks to my knowledge and mouthpiece. “Your girlfriend must be really happy at home.” , To which I glumly responded “I have no girlfriend.” , “What a waste.” She said as she smiled told me thanks again and gave me a hug before telling me that she would be back and she was gonna try and get some of her friends to come in with her sometime to talk to me and get some items. The whole interaction was flattering and did give me a little boost to the ego, but just knowing I had no chance of turning this fantasy to a reality kind of hurt me a little bit. Such is life, and the trials of a professional fake penis dealer.

Now, As for Sunday……Complete polar opposite of the previous night although it had some small perks as well but nothing even close to the interaction with the dream girl. As expected Sunday proved to be a busy booth day as three guys stood in wait for me to open the shop. I let everyone in five minutes early and to the booths they went displaying there acts in the hallway as always, Going face first from crotch to crotch as if they were playing a odd game of bobbing for apples. Then out of nowhere a gentleman came in and requested five tokens for the back and he gave me a $5 tip for no reason. I bought a $3 lotto scratcher and won $4 , this lotto game lasted until I won $12 and also received another $5 tip. Not sure why the booth folks were being so generous today but it was a pleasant surprise. The shop itself was rather slow and filled with allot of lookie loo’s who bought nothing and just roamed the shop giggling at all the sights. A day plagued with indecisive customers who kept changing their minds even after items were rung up causing my final drawer to be completely screwed up but such is life. the only real things of note Sunday were witnessing a man getting yanked out of a bus outside my shop window by police as irritating young folks inside the bus taped it with their phones while shouting “World Star!!!!” , I swear that site is single handedly setting back the lower class and broke people in general 100’s of years but that is for a different blog entirely. Just as I was preparing to close up shop and shouted to the booth folks that they had 30 minutes left , Of  course 4 people in a row request tokens. I tell them all that the booths are closing in 30 and they still want to waste their dough, So I spent the final moments of my shift chasing folks out from the back rooms including one gay man who came in real late and I told him no access , He says “I just need to use the bathroom” I against my better judgement allowed him to the back but warned him if I saw him roaming the halls I would never allow him back there again. Well he took that chance and I spotted him going into other dudes booths, Needless to say I cannot wait to see the look on his face the next time he wants to go to the arcade and I tell him he has been banned….I mean where is he gonna suck strange cock now? Oh No!!!!!!

Greasy Lightning

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So after a few months at this new shop I have noticed there is a small group of fella’s that in fact make the rounds for lack of better words, As they go from shop to shop in succession looking for lord knows what. That being fact there is one specific guy who has started frequenting my new shop on almost a nightly basis but he appears to be going out of his way to be annoying.This gentleman I immediately recognized from my time at the previous shop the moment he walked through my new jobs doors, A short possibly Italian man who always dawns a leather jacket with his hair slicked back and no doubt carries a Switchblade comb, Looking like a reject of a community theater production of West Side Story. He had been kicked out of the prior shop I worked at multiple times for “Shacking up” and petty shoplifting, Being that he is likely no longer allowed in there and no doubt on their “Wall of Shame” he has taken to my new place of employment. Every night just as I am closing he will come in requesting free admission into the booths, As if he is some sort of V.I.P. When he doesn’t ask for that he shows up moments after the booths are closed down. Every time I tell him   the hours of operation and every time he looks at me with this face filled of shock as if this was breaking news. Nightly I see him walk up from the bus stop and I can predict exactly what is going to happen. He will enter and say some sort of thing that makes him sound like Fonzie’s washed up brother then ask for some “Rush” , “Ah man, you still haven’t gotten the big bottles? , What’s up with that?”

Then he will buy the bottle of Rush and ask for entrance to the booths gratis. I tell him night after night that a purchase does not grant this v.i.p. treatment and that he still has to buy the tickets to go in. On numerous occasions he will manage to sneak in while I am helping another customer and upon exit I will mention to him the rules and remind him that I am aware he has been told said rules numerous times by myself , So I can only imagine how many times co-workers have done so and he always gets this stunned look on his face as if this is breaking news. He is the most annoying type of customer because he expects special treatment and claims ignorance as his excuse for wrong doing every time he breaks a rule. Not too mention another running theme of his is to come in right before I am closing request the free entry , which sometimes I will actually grant him after telling him the booths are empty, He will go in search the booths and realize they are bare and act as if he thought I would lie about it, Buy his Rush only to have his card declined after trying to pocket the product and screw up my closing drawer right before my nightly procedure. Then he shuffles off into the night no doubt to join up with his gang for a choreographed dance fight in some nearby alleyway or something, Perhaps he goes to jump sharks on a motorcycle? I am not sure but there are not many things sadder than a washed up Greaser still holding on to the look years after their prime, much like other people who refuse to let go of their youth and former “Clans” like Cholo’s, Rocker’s etc. As for the “Rush” stuff I mentioned earlier, I will explain in greater length exactly what that is in a later post as it is one of the shops better sellers, Though it seemed to have been a bit more popular in my previous shop. The stuff still flies off the shelves and deserves further mention later. 

             I Have no posted in a few day so I just wanted to put something short and sweet up here for you guys to read, But today is Saturday and that means there is certainly going to be something to talk about tonight, So I will no doubt be back as soon as I return from my shift. See ya later.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

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One thing I have noticed throughout my years in the Adult store business is the overwhelming concern most guys have with how they “Measure up” when it comes to their penis. I think this stems from people in general of both sexes watching too much porn (Which by the way has allot to do with camera angles and the fact most of the women are rather short) . Now to dispel any myths or misconceptions this concern spans all races , White,Black,Asian,Hispanic etc. They all worry they are inadequate. So perhaps the Rumors of ethnicity having anything to do with having a large penis are sadly untrue ladies. I fortunately or unfortunately have been privy to seeing more dicks than I could say I would have liked to in my day thanks to the booth antics I am witness to on a daily basis and I can safely say that penises come in all sizes no matter what race you are. So let’s throw all those myths and beliefs out the window. On a daily basis at least one man will come into the shop and ask “What can I do to make my penis bigger?” and this leads me to believe they must think I have some giant cock and have all the answers, But seriously. These guys come in expecting some over night cure I swear because when I do suggest certain techniques I have read about or heard of during my time in the business they usually get upset that I tell them this is not going to change by the end of your date tonight. There is no pill that is going to make you huge with one dose, a Pump is not gonna make you John Holmes or Jack Napier by morning and anything for that matter that is sold for the intended purpose is not going to give you results rapidly so cancel those Porn auditions fella’s. Do the penis enhancement pills work? I have heard they do make a difference after long time use but this usually only effects the size of the flaccid penis from what I have been told, Which I guess is more of a confidence boost as people assume if a man has a low hanger than they are overall going to be huge. This is not necessarily true as the size of a flaccid penis has little to nothing to do with the overall outcome when it is erect. Do pumps work? Again, I have yet to use one so I can not speak first hand but I have been told you can achieve some insane results if used correctly but the finished “Product” will detract back to normal almost immediately after it is removed from the pumping device unless you incorporate the use of a cock ring which can make for some awesome flaccid dick shots making one look like a donkey, supposedly. The only method I have tried and I can honestly say I had seen some results was stretching with a method known as Jelq. This is a series of stretches that a guy can do that lengthen the blood passages in the penis making for more room for blood to flow and therefor creating a larger penis when erect. However, Just like any other kind of working out, If you do not do it on a regular basis you will loose the results. So it is something you must continue to do in order to achieve and keep a larger healthier penis. When I was much younger I wanted to be a porn star and I worried about me being not big enough so I did these exercises and I did see some results after a month or so, But I decided porn was not for me due to my overall esteem and social anxiety  issues at the time and gave up on the exercises therefore   returning back to “Normal” shortly after ending the routine. So, when men come in asking how to get a bigger dick I always suggest the stretching and perhaps a pump for additional girth once you have “Limbered up” and I tell them that it will take time and most men just feel it is too much work. Well please understand this, If it is that big of a concern for you and you are really that inadequate then you will take the time to fix the “Problem” and not expect overnight results. I always tell guys that appear impatient about solving their dilemma that if there were a pill that would guarantee a giant dick within minutes, Our streets would be filled with jobless, homeless men with giant swinging dicks because it would cost millions and no one could afford it. There are no magic pills or wands, So if it is an issue you will put in the work to fix it. Though in all honesty, for the most part women who come in the shop  pretty much scoff and turn down anything we sell larger than around 8″ considering that “Monsterous” and the ones buying those products still state that anything bigger is far too big to even put in themselves. Most women buy toys that are smaller , whether it be something that vibrates or just a fake penis mold. So perhaps size does matter but not in the way you may think for the vast majority. Sure there are the few that prefer something Huge , but those women are called size queens and are only seeking thrills. It doesn’t seem to bare any weight when it comes to choosing an actual mate, So just keep that in mind fella’s and perhaps don’t sweat the small stuff as they say.